August 30, 2016

Sometimes you can only just endure anxiety (entry from my diary)

It’s so weird….

In the midst of an anxious moment or period…

Looking up to something that gives you anxiety…

Everything that comes next seems to be clouded with anxiety.

It’s so powerful and insanely dangerous and just energy sucking…

Not just this upcoming moment, but anything after it, your whole life just seems to fall apart.

Earlier on, I had no idea what was making me anxious, so it was just one big dark cloud of anxiety, negativity, ultimately spiraling into deep depression.

Now, I kind of know where my anxiety stems from and I can recognize the triggers but the effect, the feeling of being anxious is still the same power. It doesn’t diminish.

Maybe it still will in the future, I don’t know.

What I try to do now is just walk through with it, hand in hand. Maybe share with someone, keep trying to remember that “the last times this happened, the actual event (now, for example a phone call) wasn’t that bad or scary or anxious as maybe expected beforehand. So this time will be fine as well. (It’s never the actual situation itself that creates anxiety. The real anxiety stems from the negative story I create that, in my mind, will follow because of, or after that situation. It’s not a phone call that’s super scary. But the phone call becomes scary when I am thinking about how this will destroy my life, people will find out I’m a fraud et cetera.)

But it leaves me wondering, hoping… Maybe even desperate… Will this ever change? Will it get easier? Will the dark cloud move sometime? Will I be able to express myself and interact with people with a smile, with joy and without the heavy burden of anxiety and negative outcomes?

Sometimes, one can only endure.
And get through it, and hope there is a breeze of fresh air and sunshine on the other end.
Sometimes this is what it feels like.
Even when I write about “x” strategies to beat anxiety.
Sometimes, this is what it is.
And I hope that’s ok.

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